Style Focused programme
This is for people who recognise that attachment patterns are causing problems across several areas of life: in relationships, at work, or in how they relate to themselves, and are looking for transformational change.
Dr Lee Alexander
You're capable of something better,but something always gets in the way.
That was how it felt for me too.
During the pandemic, when my own life came to a sudden halt, attachment theory explained what that something was.
Attachment patterns are strategies we learned earlier in life. When they outlive their usefulness, they can stand in the way of the very things we want most.
I'm Dr Lee, a former family physician turned attachment style coach.
I help my clients understand their patterns. The fears that drive them. And the beliefs that keep them alive. I go beyond attachment-style labels to pinpoint the precise places where their patterns can be broken and, using modern neuroscience-based techniques, replaced with healthier responses that better serve them in achieving the things they value.
Attachment patterns don't have to be permanent. And they don't have to define what you're capable of.
Together we can change them.
Patterns. Not Personality.
Most people don't land on my website by accident.
Usually, they're here because they've hit a roadblock.
Patterns of thinking or behaving keep showing up despite their best intentions, in relationships, at work, or across several areas of life at once.
If this is you, you might recognise some of these patterns:
- When my partner's slow to reply, I start to panic and message them more
- I stay with people that aren't right for me, because splitting up feels worse
- I put a lot into relationships, but when it's not matched, I can suddenly blow up
- When conversations get heated, I tend to check out, physically and mentally
- I feel responsible for everyone else's emotions
- I procrastinate or avoid things, even when they're important to me
- Whenever I finish something, it never feels good enough
- My life looks fine from the outside. On the inside, something’s missing.
- I've read about this. I get it. It keeps happening anyway
At the time, these don't feel like patterns. They feel like who we are.
"I’m not good at relationships"
"I’m so indecisive”
"I'm bad with conflict."
"I'm a terrible perfectionist."
They aren't personality traits, however.
They are strategies, learned earlier in life when our needs, in those moments, felt threatened.
They’re what, at some point, you NEEDED TO BE, TO DO, or TO LET GO OF in order to stay safe and connected.
The problem was once the solution
Attachment wounds don't have to be the result of traumatic experiences.
They can arise just as easily in seemingly happy families with well-meaning parents.
All that's required is for certain situations to be handled in less-than-ideal ways, on enough occasions.
Examples of this might be:
- If no one knew what to say when you were upset, you learned to simply keep things to yourself.
- If being there for everyone held the family together, being the emotional caretaker became second nature
- If closeness could come at a cost, you learned you’re better off without it.
- If letting someone close meant a loss of independence, you learned to keep your distance
- If you were expected to "just get on with it", you learned not to ask for help
- If being honest earned you the silent treatment, you learned to keep quiet.
- If your achievements brought the most praise, you learned to strive even more.
- If anything could happen, at any moment, you learned not to let your guard down.
- If falling out meant no one speaking for weeks, avoiding conflict at all cost makes perfect sense
These behaviours aren't random.
They're strategies that delivered the best outcome available at the time, given the circumstances.
They're not just understandable. They make perfect sense.
Insight isn't enough
If you've experienced problems like this you may have done some reading, had therapy, or come across the language of attachment theory already.
You may already know your attachment style.
You may understand what anxious or avoidant patterns look like.
You may even have an understanding of your own patterns, what triggers them and where they came from.
Yet despite all of that, when a trigger comes along, the same patterns show up again, as if on autopilot.
This is why people often get stuck:
If the response happens automatically, before the more reflective part of your mind has time to step in, insight only serves to offer an explanation AFTER THE EVENT, and AFTER THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE.
Though it's undoubtedly valuable, what's needed isn't insight.
What's needed is a way to prevent the chain reaction that occurs in the moment when a trigger lands.
Changing what happens in those moments is where I can help.
Outdated patterns don't have to be permanent
Our patterns don't update themselves automatically as our lives change.
When we encounter a situation that reminds us of the past, the old response shows up, even when the protection it once offered is no longer needed.
Attachment patterns can feel fixed because they happen automatically.
But automatic doesn’t mean
permanent.
Our responses are strategies that were learned. And learned
strategies can be overwritten.
By learning new strategies, that fit your life as it is now, we can
stop the outdated patterns from running your current life.
Working with me
We can work together in one of two ways depending on the nature of the problem and how it’s showing up.
Problem Specific programme
This is for people who have a specific issue: a recurring pattern they wish to change, even if they don't fully understand why it keeps happening.
Who this is for
Attachment coaching tends to suit people who recognise that attachment patterns are playing a negative role in their life and are frustrated that insight hasn't translated into change. People who are reflective, who may have already done some reading, therapy, or self-work, and who want a practical, structured way forward rather than more explanation of ‘why’.
The coaching process is supportive, but it’s also very interactive and the best results can only be achieved by engaging with it and ‘doing the work’.
If you're looking primarily for more open-ended emotional support, traditional counselling or psychotherapy would likely serve you better.
Not sure where to start?
If the themes on this page resonate with you and you’d like to explore whether attachment style coaching is likely to be helpful to you, a short conversation is usually the simplest way to find out.